This is a sermon I gave at St Marys Luton on Sunday 27th Ocober 2019. The transcript is below the recording.
The sermon reflects my deep concern at the extent of sexual abuse in our society today, and that as a church we are as much in trouble as many areas of our nations life. Please note, this is a sermon, not a lecture or a strategy document. I will aim to write further on the subject. I believe dealing with this must be of very high priority in our work as Christian leaders. But in order for our work to bring real impact we first need to be in touch with the deep heart of abuse. That is my focus here.
I’m talking today about a woman we find in the OT called Tamar. We don’t know a lot about Tamar, except one story in her life. In many ways she had a rich privileged life. Her father was a king. Though maybe she wasn’t so privileged as in those days to be the daughter of anyone, a king or a peasant, was to be someone’s possession, with not a whole lot of power.
2 Samuel 13 tells us of how Tamar was raped by her half brother.
We are going to read her story in a minute. But first let me say this. Today could be uncomfortable for you. We are going to be talking about sexual abuse. Of rape. Of violence against women. Against vulnerable people, whether young men or young women. [That abuse, that rape might even be in the context of a marriage or a previously consensual relationship.**]
I don’t come to this as a professional, an expert, a prayer /counsellor, etc, but as a leader who has seen the issue in society, sat and listened to survivors of abuse and been broken by it, and who is now speaking out. I’ve been deeply touched, humbled by the stories of men and women who have been abused, in many cases by Christian leaders. As a man I’m deeply challenged that I need to listen. And men, I ask you to listen. To respond. Now, but especially when you meet those you meet people with story of abuse, stories hard to listen to. Let me also say, I’m deeply thankful that we have people in our congregation, who are professionals working in this. Both Martin and Sara Watson are. Our dear Jo Mitchell is a social worker with young people. There are others.
But there are also people here who have been victims of sexual abuse. Or other forms of abuse. People who are survivors. What I say may therefore be difficult for some and bring back memories that are hard to make sense of. There will be an opportunity to talk, to receive prayer if you wish at the end. But if you need to go to the sacristy and have a moment of quiet, someone will be available if you want to talk over anything.
Tamar’s story is not an easy to hear, especially within the biblical narrative of God’s love and deep and committed care for people. It’s like a well-guarded family secret no one dares mention, as if it might swell into a crushing storm, leaving devastation in its wake. Thats what we will read in the scripture in a moment. But the Bible is not a rose garden we walk through full of happy thoughts, but grasps the reality of life in a broken world. A world where God is about the task of putting things right. Our role as church is to join with him in that work. I pray this place be a place full of grace, a safe place this morning.
2 Samuel 13 – in The Message version.
I’ll read a few verses after which I will comment.
“1-4 Some time later, this happened: Absalom, David’s son, had a sister who was very attractive. Her name was Tamar. Amnon, also David’s son, was in love with her. Amnon was obsessed with his sister Tamar to the point of making himself sick over her. She was a virgin, so he couldn’t see how he could get his hands on her. Amnon had a good friend, Jonadab, the son of David’s brother Shimeah. Jonadab was exceptionally streetwise. He said to Amnon, “Why are you moping around like this, day after day—you, the son of the king! Tell me what’s eating at you.”
“In a word, Tamar,” said Amnon. “My brother Absalom’s sister. I’m in love with her.”
He’s now said it, its out there. I want my half sister.
“5. “Here’s what you do,” said Jonadab. “Go to bed and pretend you’re sick. When your father comes to visit you, say, ‘Have my sister Tamar come and prepare some supper for me here where I can watch her and she can feed me.’”
At this point Jonadab could have said, don’t be so stupid, shes not for you to have. But instead they schemed.
“6 So Amnon took to his bed and acted sick. When the king came to visit, Amnon said, “Would you do me a favor? Have my sister Tamar come and make some nourishing dumplings here where I can watch her and be fed by her.”
7 David sent word to Tamar who was home at the time: “Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare a meal for him.”
8-9 So Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house. She took dough, kneaded it, formed it into dumplings, and cooked them while he watched from his bed. But when she took the cooking pot and served him, he wouldn’t eat.
9-11 Amnon said, “Clear everyone out of the house,” and they all cleared out. Then he said to Tamar, “Bring the food into my bedroom, where we can eat in privacy.” She took the nourishing dumplings she had prepared and brought them to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. But when she got ready to feed him, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, sister!”
12-13 “No, brother!” she said, “Don’t hurt me! This kind of thing isn’t done in Israel! Don’t do this terrible thing! Where could I ever show my face? And you—you’ll be out on the street in disgrace. Oh, please! Speak to the king—he’ll let you marry me.
”
A footnote. It wasn’t out of the question in those days to marry your half sister. David could have allowed it. What was wrong was doing it out of marriage. Rape. A bit different for us, but we need to understand that.
Finally, the voice of Tamar. Already the shame of rape is anticipated.
“14 But he wouldn’t listen. Being much stronger than she, he raped her.”
He raped her. Let those words sink in.
There is a lot in this story written by men. And about the response of men to what Tamar suffered. I’m very conscious I’m a man speaking now. This morning is primarily Tamar’s story. Let’s hear her voice. About deep violation she experienced. To her total desolation. To the humiliation, the pain, the shame, the hopelessness she felt. As men we need to hear that, and let it mark us deeply. As those with power we need to listen hard to the voices of those that lack power and suffer indignity, who are abused in their powerlessness.
As a man, a leader, a person with power, I don’t need to sit silent though. I can do something. But first of all, perhaps most importantly, I can hold the mirror to myself. And I can learn.
Its not hard to find the voices of abuse today. We live in the age of #MeToo. It isn’t hard to hear the voices of the abused in the church. Very sadly #ChurchToo. Don’t miss those voices.
“15 No sooner had Amnon raped her than he hated her—an immense hatred. The hatred that he felt for her was greater than the love he’d had for her. “Get up,” he said, “and get out!”
16-18 “Oh no, brother,” she said. “Please! This is an even worse evil than what you just did to me!”
Listen hard to Tamar’s words. “This is worse than what you’ve just done.” The abandonment by the abuser, who pleaded love and now in shame despises her and runs, adds to the abuse she has suffered.
What about Amnon? After such a terrible act he displays his inhumanity further. He shows his “love” up for what it was. Essentially it was lust he failed to control. In pursuing that as he had it was now abuse. Sexual abuse. He had abused his power, his position. Now he was throwing her out as a thing, to be disposed of.
“But he wouldn’t listen to her. He called for his valet. “Get rid of this woman. Get her out of my sight! And lock the door after her.” The valet threw her out and locked the door behind her.
18-19 She was wearing a long-sleeved gown. (That’s how virgin princesses used to dress from early adolescence on.) Tamar poured ashes on her head, then she ripped the long-sleeved gown, held her head in her hands, and walked away, sobbing as she went.”
The shame. Total abandonment.
“20 Her brother Absalom said to her, “Has your brother Amnon had his way with you? Now, my dear sister, let’s keep it quiet—a family matter. He is, after all, your brother. Don’t take this so hard.” Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s home, bitter and desolate.”
In the cover up, in the advice “Don’t take this to heart”, the abuse is multiplied. A total lack of understanding. The desolation, the pain - and the voice of her brother, a man, pushing it aside. It gets worse:
“21-22 King David heard the whole story and was enraged, but he didn’t discipline Amnon. David doted on him because he was his firstborn. Absalom quit speaking to Amnon—not a word, whether good or bad—because he hated him for violating his sister Tamar.”
This is a story of the failure of all the total failure of the men in her life. Her brother, and now her father, stay silent. By their silence they effectively join her half brother in her abuse.
But David was also a leader, not just her father, he was the king. Anger, but no action. Defence of the family reputation, of the throne, becomes our first response. Shame debilitates us. Family draws in and locks down. And as it does the family becomes more dysfunctional.
He doesn’t take action. But in the silence, hatred is nursed. It takes a time to mature to action.
We won’t read on now. In summary Absalom plans the murder of Amnon. He needs the kings agreement for something to make the plan work. David is clearly suspicious, but he agrees. Amnon is murdered by Absalom’s men. Absalom flees from David. David mourns at the loss of effectively two sons, and an abused daughter. We leave this family as it lives on in its brokenness.
So, in summary. A desolate woman. A broken family. And David does nothing to discipline Absalom.
That’s Tamar’s story. [it is best summarised in my view in words by Allyson Mckinney Timm, and her quote from Pastor Albert Smith Sr in Sojourners magazine] “Tragically, there was no justice in this life for Tamar. The lack of resolution in her story come down through 2500 years and startles us awake. If we long for a positive ending, we have abundant opportunities to begin writing that story in our own churches and community. The work of justice and healing begs to be embraced.
Who will pray with Tamar and stand by her side as she screams for justice? Tamar , or those like her, or him, may be your daughter, your granddaughter, your sister, your niece, your friend, a member of your community.”
What can we do? What can the church do? Most importantly what does God want to do?
We may find ourselves in that story.
Tamar, the victim. Maybe we identify as Tamar? Whether a Man or woman, we may have been in Tamar’s position. You may have been metaphorically asked “to prepare dumplings” for the prince. What a privilege, to cook for a leader, to carry their bags, help them, spend time with them. Or maybe to be treated by them. That’s how child sexual exploitation takes place. “Come and spend a year in a community of young men supporting the bishop.” came the invitation to me as an 18 year old. Honoured as I felt, I didn’t accept. But a sizeable number did. That bishop was Peter Ball, Bishop of Lewis in Sussex where I grew up. Exposed decades later as a serial abuser of young men. “Come and be a dormitory officer at my camp.” was came another request a year later Frankly there was no chance. The guy was just too pompous in my book. Friends did though. Watching channel 4 two years ago I realised how close I’d come to being a victim of evangelical leader John Smythe. Sadly I also finally understood what had happened to one or two I knew who had said yes, whose lives had been devastated.
You may be a victim of abuse, of any form. It maybe something you’ve already sought help for. Or maybe this message has surfaced something. There is support. There is substantial healing. The journey towards healing begins as you summon the courage, ask God for the courage to talk. Either here today, if this is a safe place for you. Or maybe to the police. Or a professional.
Amnon, her abuser Maybe you’ve been like Amnon. In his position. Infatuated. Maybe you are attracted to someone, a young woman, a young man. You should know there is freedom from the temptation. But it starts to come when you ask for help. Maybe you’ve given in to the temptation, you’ve abused someone? Dont be held back by shame. There is forgiveness from God. Seek help. There will be a need for justice, forgiveness is not a simple way out. Seek to talk to someone to tell them what you’ve done.
Jonadab, in the abuser’s circle. Maybe you understand what its like to be one of Amnon’s friends. Like his cousin Jonadab. You know what your friend has done. You may have covered for them. Or just stayed silent, pretending you’d not seen. You don’t want the family to suffer shame. You want to be a good friend, but you are also troubled. Encourage them to go with you to tell what they did. That’s true friendship. But if they wont, you need to report them.
Absalom, in the victims circle. Maybe you are like Absalom. You are a family member or a friend of a person abused. How has their experience affected you? How do you respond? Anne, my wife, and I have been there. 23 years ago a Christian leader came to us and told us that our sons youth leader had been arrested for child abuse. That our boys were on the list of potential victims. That while the police investigated we could not talk to anyone. Not others in the community, not our friends, just those designated to support us if we needed it. We lived under that silence for six months before we found our sons were clear. But also we learnt later that one of their best friends was a victim. I struggled with anger. With the shame. Even with a desire for revenge. We knew God support. But it was tough.
Forgiveness for us was a necessity. Not to do so would have been to be held captive ourselves by that evil act. It was hard. But that forgiveness did not excuse the need for justice. For the guy to be sent to prison for his awful crime.
David, the leader. There is one last category here. David, father to Tamar, to Amnon, to Absalom, was king. He was responsible to for justice in the nation. Yet he was silent. As a father and a leader he didn’t speak up.
I’ve listened to the stories of too many survivors of abuse to ignore this. For may abused in the church, this was their story. “When we reported, the leader, the bishop did nothing.” This is the outcry we face now across our society. And the church.
In the Christian gospel there is healing. Jesus said, “The spirit of the Lord is on me. Because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind. To set the oppressed free. And to proclaim the year of God’s favour.” There is hope.
The church is called to be a place where the different characters in this story can encounter God.
The church is called to embrace this challenge. We are called to embrace it in a broken town. But to get there we need to see God at work. Frankly at present there is a lot to do. I can’t begin to do this justice, but can I draw attention to three points:
1. Pray for our leaders, our bishops. Especially dealing with historical cases, especially the survivors. Pray for them as they deal with this, for gentleness, for kindness. And as they deal with the perpetrators of abuse. And look to see new structures that will really safgaurd the church.
2. Pray for the safeguarding structures in our church, our diocese, in our town. There is a lot of money going into this. Its needed.
3. Finally to be a safe church we need training. I hear a lot of moaning about that. So many need to do that training, PCC, those working with training, with vulnerable people. And I know there are a lot of people here who still have to complete that training. But can I ask you to look at it differently? It’s worth investing one hour, two hours so you can be equipped to help someone. So that we as a church are the natural place for people to turn for safety, for hope for healing.
That’s my challenge. Can we seek to understand the people out there who every time they hear a story of abuse in the church moan again, and ask how they could ever trust a Christian. That we can rewrite the story and bring hope in our town. Can we pray that we can write the ending to Tamar’s story, that we as a church, we here St Marys in Luton, have embraced that story and the victim of it, and that we are determined that whether abused or abuser***, circles of abused and circle of the abuser, and leaders - that we will be a place of freedom for all?
** This short sentence in brackets was added after I spoke. It was at the request of of a person who was deeply abused, raped within marriage. I had deliberately tried not to be specific in order to avoid missing any whose experience might have been overlooked. However I am keen to acknowledge the pain suffered by all.
Any other material in square brackets similarly marks additions made since speaking, things I might have said a little better. Or material missed for the sake of time.
*** For clarity. I write “…we are determined that whether abused or abuser***, circles of abused and circle of the abuser, and leaders - that we will be a place of freedom for all?” I mean it. However In speaking and writing this I realise the potential for misunderstanding. I am convinced that the abuser can find freedom, however as an alcoholic they must guard themselves for the rest of their lives. I am convinced the church can be very central in that. However for the sake of the survivors, I need to be very clear that because of the trauma involved in abuse, it is very unlikely and more importantly unwise to hope that this would be within the same local church. It This is a critical management issue to which leaders need to be very sensitive to the needs of the survivor, however “idealistic” they are in regard to themes like restoration, freedom, forgiveness and the like. I also need to say again this will not negate the need for justice. These are all important issues, but this is as i note at the top a sermon, not a strategy document. I mention it though as it is a issue of deep concern for survivors.